i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
