i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
