I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Randomize
