i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
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