so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
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My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
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After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
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