she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
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ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
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So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.