dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
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I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
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Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.