Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
