check it out our google latitudes are spooning
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
