I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Oh god it's open bar.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
