Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
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If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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