If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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