Whatcha textin bout Willis?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm like, not good at living.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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