it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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