Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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