Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
