I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Randomize
