Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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