wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
