Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
