I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
