Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
