How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
