I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
sex in a hospital.. check
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
