I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
