Cold hands, warm shart.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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