Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
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Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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