Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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