Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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