I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
