Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
