I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
