Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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