She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
So squirting runs in the family.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
