I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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