Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
