So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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