just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
