No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
