my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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