Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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