you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
