I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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