woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
do nipples grow back?
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