i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Randomize
