Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
