I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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