Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Rumble strips road head = magical
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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