I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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