I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
