I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
