i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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