My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
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I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
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What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize