she's into porn, im staying here tonight
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
