i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
