I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
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The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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