I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
