I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
