mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My vagina just recognized that song.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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