i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
